Daughter

I was raised in a loving, though strict, Christian home.  My parents divorced when I was 12 and I was raised primarily by my mother and I was estranged from my father, something of my choosing.

 

As cliché as it may sound I fell in love with my best friend in high school.  I had an idea what these feelings were about and how it would impact my life.  At the time I had no one to discuss this with especially my best friend.  At the same time, I began drifting away from God; or rather I felt He was leaving me behind.  I told a friend in youth group I felt as though God wasn’t listening to me when I prayed.  He answered: “my God always listens to me.”  This further reinforced my feelings of isolation from God, and further reinforced my feelings that He was abandoning me.  After all, it seemed as though everyone else was hearing God’s voice but me.  By now I wasn’t attending church because I had a job and worked on Sunday.  I was involved in Campus Crusade for Christ and in youth group at church, but I questioned everything I was being taught.

 

Then I went to college.  College presented so many ideas I had never heard about or thought about.  I don’t want to insinuate that college is a bad thing, but I was questioning my upbringing so much that I was a sponge for all these new ideas.  At college I met real-life lesbians for the first time.  I joined O.W.L. (Organization for Women’s Liberation).  There I learned how all men were evil and potential rapists.  I learned that lesbianism was the only alternative to a life of fear and abuse from men.  I also learned that God is probably not real, or may be a woman.  It sounds pretty ridiculous now, but then I was looking for something to replace the belief’s I had grown up with.

 

A couple years later I decided it was time to move out of my mother’s house.  You see, I wanted to be able to explore the lifestyle I thought was to be mine.  I knew I could never do that while living at home, so I moved to Columbus and attended Ohio State University.  And then I did everything my mother taught me not to do.

 

I had an emptiness in the pit of my stomach.  And no matter how many friends, or sex, or drugs I tried to fill that emptiness with I couldn’t do it.  I wouldn’t speak to my Mother for months at a time because I knew she would know what I was doing through the phone and I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me-a feeling I had fought most of my life.  I often put myself in very dangerous situations because of my lifestyle.

 

I ended dropping out of college and going to nursing school.  I had a number of girl friends in the following years.  Most importantly I continued to try and fill that lonely empty pit in my soul.  Years later and many moves later I ended up in Maine.  My relationship with my mother was more cordial but certainly not good.  She kept asking me if I believed in salvation.  I always said yes, not because I was sure I believed it but because I knew that’s what she wanted to hear.

 

After having settled into a routine in Maine my partner and I decided to be foster parents.  It was my third foster child who changed my life forever.  This child kept asking me to take her to church, which was odd because she had never been to church.  She finally gave me an ultimatum – either take her to church or she would attend the church next door.  Since the church next door was not a Christian church I decided to find a Christian church.  I had been to a bean supper at a church and decided to attend that one.

 

Soon I realized the empty space in me began to fill up a bit.  I really started looking back at my past and began putting some things together.  Even though I thought God had walked away from me, I realized it was I who walked away from God.  He kept me safe when I put myself in dangerous situations.  He kept me from becoming addicted to drugs, He helped me give up alcohol cold turkey.  Until now I never attributed those things to God.  Most importantly, I realized that empty hole I felt could only be filled by one thing-God.  And I was finally letting Him in there.

 

After listening to a sermon on serving God, I realized I needed to make a lot of changes in my life before God could use me the way He wanted to.  I threw myself at the cross of Jesus and repented of everything and asked for His mercy and grace.  And so my new life had begun.

 

I called my mother that evening to tell her I had just walked away from the lesbian lifestyle.  You can read in her testimony how that impacted her.  The hard part was telling my partner of 10 years about my decision.  Our life was very difficult for a while.  I really had to trust God that this was the right thing to do.  And I had to immerse myself in Bible Studies, church and Christian fellowship.

 

I no longer look back at all the “good times” I had had because I now know they weren’t really such good times.  Now I focus on my relationship with God and on having a Christ-centered home for my children.  Times get tough, but at least now I know where to turn for comfort .  And it’s all because God spoke through ten year old foster child.